Well…It’s the first day of my cycle. For those who are battling with infertility you all know what this means. It means I’m not pregnant.
I’m trying to be optimistic, to keep on celebrating the victory that the first round of Clomid did work but it’s difficult. I think for most of us cycle day 1 is the hardest. It’s the day all the hope you had built up, no matter how much you tried not to be optimistic, comes crashing over you like waves. Waves of sadness that there won’t be a baby in your arms in 36 weeks, inadequacy because you weren’t able to do what women are suppose to naturally do, and what-ifs…what if we had did this or done that. All those waves rip at you, make you doubt you can go through staring, with tears in your eyes, at another negative pregnancy test. And then to top it all off your body feels beat down because the progesterone is leaving your system and your in physical and emotional pain. But you make a choice that you will get up and try again because it you quit you will regret it and always play the what-if game. A terrible, destructive game. So you do what has to be done.
I’ll call Dr. P tomorrow, get my script for Clomid called in, and start counting down the days:
- Day 5-9 take Clomid (Yay for hot flashes)
- Day 12-20 fertile window. (Yay for timed sex)
- Day 22 get blood work to check that Clomid is still working. (Yay for needles)
- Day 28 take pregnancy test. (Though, I think I may wait till day 30 to try and reduce stress. Because if everything is the same as this cycle I will either be one day late or it will be cycle day 2.)
And then… My wedding is mixed into all this. It will be on cycle day 28. Oh man, how I will want to test on that day especially since it’s Jay’s birthday (it was the only day where everyone’s schedules lined up) but I’m not going to because if it’s negative I don’t want to be upset on my wedding day. So, I am going to wait until at least day 29. That’s the day that my family and friends will be leaving to head back home. Wouldn’t it be so nice if I could tell them I’m pregnant? Here’s to hoping.
This is my first unmedicated cycle since March and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks! My body seems to seriously not like my naturally made hormones. Not like my body much likes the Provera either. I think my body would be so happy just to go back to having a period 3-4 times a year.
Dear body, that is not going to happen. Get over it and stop throwing a hissy fit.
I just have to not lose hope that we will end this journey with our little peanut. Never lose hope.