Let me start off by saying that I don’t cry. I was raised not to cry unless someone had died or I was hurt. If you were just upset…you didn’t cry.
I don’t cry…well, not often. It takes a lot to make me cry and if I do start crying I get very mad at myself and will start crying more. I have cried only a handful of times in front of my husband and one of those was happy tears at our wedding. A few more of those times has been when we were trying to get pregnant and the Clomid was wrecking me and during the first trimester when I was miserable. My husband just doesn’t see me cry. Honestly, I am more likely to yell if I am upset than to cry.
Saturday we were putting together a piece of furniture for little man. Everything was going well and I said something to Jay about one of the back panels weren’t lined up. He responded with what I appeared a horribly hurtful response and I just broke down into full on, snotty, border-line panic attack crying. Jay was so taken off guard he barely knew how to respond. Eventually, I calmed down enough for him to explain that he was just being playful and expected me to respond playfully back like we normally do. For some reason I did not see it that way at the time.
Then, yesterday morning I woke up with an overwhelming sense of not being prepared and feeling utterly terrified of this baby coming. I sat in the floor of his room looking at what we had and just cried uncontrollably and I spent the whole day on and off crying. Jay kept trying to reassure me that even if he came today we are prepared and that we would be fine.
But..it is not just the long list of things we don’t have that is scaring me. It’s also the thought of having a tiny human completely dependent on me. COMPLETELY!!! And…Jay of course says it won’t be all you. I will be here. He will be dependent on us. Which is true…but I have fears like:
- What happens if I am breastfeeding him and I fall asleep and my huge boob smothers him to death?
- What if I go to cut his fingernails or toenails and he squirms and I cut off skin?
- What if I don’t produce enough milk?
- What if I don’t know how to comfort him when he is upset?
- What if I do tummy time wrong?
- How often should I bathe him? What if I don’t bathe him often enough? What if I bathe him too much?
- What if I forget to put lotion on him and his skin gets all dry and it hurts him?
- What if I put too many clothes on him and he overheats?
- What if I put too few clothes on him and he is cold?
- What if he has a huge head like I did when I was born and I try to put on his clothes and I smoosh his head or hurt him?
I know that these probably sound crazy (and I am sure there are more I have thought about but these are some of the biggest ones) but these things are terrifying me. I feel so unprepared. I feel like I am not going to be a good mother. That I will do so many things wrong.
Jay tells me this is all natural…feeling this way. But I haven’t heard of women feeling this way. Has anyone else felt or are feeling this way?
-A very emotional, terrified mommy-to-be